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Friday was hell for me. I saw the nicest person I know reduced to a broken mess by someone she Loved. Someone I trusted.
I'm angry at said person and nobody else seems to be, I'm angry because she made the nicest person I know cry, and scream and blame herself when it wasn't her fault and there was nothing she could have done.
I'm angry because she said that my friend had ruined her life and she had no friends because of her. I don't care that she took it back later, the moment I heard that she lost my trust forever.
I'm not being dramatic she has, I don't hate her but I can never, ever trust her again, no matter what happens. I was her friend too, she was supposed to be mine.
That made me cry...Infront of people. I don't do that, not ever. Last time I cried infront of people was when my sister left, I told myself I'd never let anybody hurt me that much again, and if they did I wouldn't let anybody see how hurt I was.
This hurt more, like I say it hurt because she broke my trust, but it hurt far more because she broke my friend and I had to see her in that state.
Fast forward 24 hours and I'm sitting on a bus on my way to Newcastle, feeling like hell, really not wanting to go out at all because I was eaten up by worry and anger and the urge to burst into tears and the urge to supprese them. I only went out because I'd allready told Kev I would, and I said I would meet my friend there. She rang me when I was on the bus, "Oh yeah I'm not coming out tonight, to tired, that thing you wanted the hug about, tell me what happened."
She said it in such a "Wow my life is awsome" way that I just wanted to punch her. I got unessesarily angry, told her it was fine, told her I'd deal with it myself (well I wasn't going to tell her what happened down the phone on a bus), hung up and felt even worse.
Got off the bus, went down the wrong street for Charnal YET AGAIN, and had to walk past The Black Garter. Their regulars obviously saw the chinc in my armor this week because I was squidging past people and they started on me "Errr are you a bloke or a wummin'?", "Do you stand and deeliva in that coat?", wanted to scream but didn't, couple more digs at me and they got what they wanted, I bit back, stuck two fingers up behind my back and screamed "FUCK OFF AND DIE!". Kept walking, ignored the cat calls that followed about what they'd like to do to me with their dirty fingers, resisted the urge to vomit at the thought.
Got to Charnal at last, talked to Kev for a bit "how are you" general type stuff, felt better. Maybe it's because he doesn't know all of what happened, only what I told him, which isn't very much more than what I typed up in the first paragraph, but maybe that's why I felt better talking to someone on my list of people I actually trust who wasn't involved, the only other people I trust are.
Had my tarot cards read, it was kinda odd having my cards read over loud music, made me feel just a little bit self consious that people might have heard him practically yelling the the word "ORIENTATION" at me and taken it out of context. He was very good I thought. I did my useual little scan for cold reading techniques, kind of harder to do than useual what with "Rikki's hand" playing in the background, but nevermind, he seemed genuine.
I asked about the craziness that happened on friday, didn't tell him what I was asking about until after he'd told me what everything ment, he told me to do that actually which I thought was pretty cool. He said there was a battle coming, said I was angry at someone who'd just turned my world upside down, brought up that I find it really hard to trust people and my trust had been shattered (this was all swords, my "favorite card" made a jolly appearence too, good old reliable nine of swords...AKA Nightmare), said that this "battle" was resolavble, but it wasn't really my fight, I just had to support people. I took that to mean I have to be there for my friend when she needs me, and to try my damn hardest to convince the other one to bloody stand up for herself, and if she really loves my friend she'll pick her over her control freak of a father. Even if she does though...The sad thing is I'll still never be able to trust her again.
Asked another question, got the "Orientation" thing, pretty sure it relates back to something that happned years ago that's pretty similar to what's happening to my friend now, so creepishly similar infact that it also involved people dissapearing off to Birmingham...Seriously, what is it with that place? He brought my trust issues up again, and something very odd about religion that didn't really mean much then, infact I kinda brushed it off at the time, but I suppose it's worth remembering, just incase it does make an appearence. Told me not to hide who I am, to stop second guessing people and to tell the people I do trust that I trust them. I took his advice and started telling people...Apparently it was a bit random...Maybe that was just timeing.
Misty got a bit drunk, it was kinda funny, I've never seen her like that before, there's a fab photo of us hugging on the website...I'm not actually ginger by the way, I really don't know why I look ginger in that photo! Maybe I just needed to talk to someone because I felt a billion times better, acctually quite enjoyed the night after all. Won a CD, haven't had a chance to listen to it yet.
Went home with Kev, the bus ride was far more fun that usual! My cousin and the head boy of my brother's school got on the bus.
A bit of background is needed here, my brother is an Athiest (sp?), he goes to a super religious Christian school, the more they try to shove Christ down his throught, the less he believes in the man. I'm actually pretty proud that he stands up for what he believes in, it's made him pretty unpopular with the "elite" IE: Head boy, head girl, prefects and other assorted goody two shoeses. About a year ago my other cousin (litle brother of the one who got on the bus) threw a compas at my brother, and my brother told the teacher. This caused a really stupid feud between bits of my family. My dad's sister (my aunt and their mother), rang my dad and accused my brother of being a liar (so the blatent compass entry point just magically appeared huh?), and their side of the family hasn't spoken to any of us since.
So imagine my suprise when I look up post bus kiss to find my cousin and some nerdy looking kid glareing back at me! Well my first reaction was to laugh hysterically, but I decided not to. It actually got far more ammusing because Kev started talking loudly about his opinions on Cocaine, which I suppose are a bit contraversial, but it wasn't like he was saying he was a druggie or anything, 'twas mostly stuff about how it's not the drug that kills you, it's what it's cut with...Nevertheless apparently I'm not welcome at school events anymore...METAL!
I laughed when she got off the bus and half explained the situation.
When we got back to his, we ordered pizza, mine had Olives on it...Mmmmm I adore black Olives, so damn good. Jeepers I'm such a foodie...Slimming advertisers should run scared...Especially if they're made of tofu! I'll eat them mwahahahaha!
Stayed in bed until midday, I'm so lazy at times, but bed was comfortable and warm and I was in good company, what more could I want? Spent most of the day lazing around in his living room using his internet and listening to radio Dunkle Welle (which is available on itunes, plug plug a plug), had our usual bunch of really random conversations, it was nice...I like random, make me happy :)
He made me dinner, propper sunday dinner (well as close as you can get for a Vegan anyways), I mashed the potatos, it was lovely, and such a nice thought. Told my mam when I got home, her response was "I thought it was ment to be the way to a MAN'S heart is through HIS stomache?"
It was a pretty simple day I guess, but lovely all the same. Simple is good sometimes, everything has it's place really :)
When did I become this optimistic??
Crazy eh? Doom and gloom to eerily happy in less than 48 hours?
I'm angry at said person and nobody else seems to be, I'm angry because she made the nicest person I know cry, and scream and blame herself when it wasn't her fault and there was nothing she could have done.
I'm angry because she said that my friend had ruined her life and she had no friends because of her. I don't care that she took it back later, the moment I heard that she lost my trust forever.
I'm not being dramatic she has, I don't hate her but I can never, ever trust her again, no matter what happens. I was her friend too, she was supposed to be mine.
That made me cry...Infront of people. I don't do that, not ever. Last time I cried infront of people was when my sister left, I told myself I'd never let anybody hurt me that much again, and if they did I wouldn't let anybody see how hurt I was.
This hurt more, like I say it hurt because she broke my trust, but it hurt far more because she broke my friend and I had to see her in that state.
Fast forward 24 hours and I'm sitting on a bus on my way to Newcastle, feeling like hell, really not wanting to go out at all because I was eaten up by worry and anger and the urge to burst into tears and the urge to supprese them. I only went out because I'd allready told Kev I would, and I said I would meet my friend there. She rang me when I was on the bus, "Oh yeah I'm not coming out tonight, to tired, that thing you wanted the hug about, tell me what happened."
She said it in such a "Wow my life is awsome" way that I just wanted to punch her. I got unessesarily angry, told her it was fine, told her I'd deal with it myself (well I wasn't going to tell her what happened down the phone on a bus), hung up and felt even worse.
Got off the bus, went down the wrong street for Charnal YET AGAIN, and had to walk past The Black Garter. Their regulars obviously saw the chinc in my armor this week because I was squidging past people and they started on me "Errr are you a bloke or a wummin'?", "Do you stand and deeliva in that coat?", wanted to scream but didn't, couple more digs at me and they got what they wanted, I bit back, stuck two fingers up behind my back and screamed "FUCK OFF AND DIE!". Kept walking, ignored the cat calls that followed about what they'd like to do to me with their dirty fingers, resisted the urge to vomit at the thought.
Got to Charnal at last, talked to Kev for a bit "how are you" general type stuff, felt better. Maybe it's because he doesn't know all of what happened, only what I told him, which isn't very much more than what I typed up in the first paragraph, but maybe that's why I felt better talking to someone on my list of people I actually trust who wasn't involved, the only other people I trust are.
Had my tarot cards read, it was kinda odd having my cards read over loud music, made me feel just a little bit self consious that people might have heard him practically yelling the the word "ORIENTATION" at me and taken it out of context. He was very good I thought. I did my useual little scan for cold reading techniques, kind of harder to do than useual what with "Rikki's hand" playing in the background, but nevermind, he seemed genuine.
I asked about the craziness that happened on friday, didn't tell him what I was asking about until after he'd told me what everything ment, he told me to do that actually which I thought was pretty cool. He said there was a battle coming, said I was angry at someone who'd just turned my world upside down, brought up that I find it really hard to trust people and my trust had been shattered (this was all swords, my "favorite card" made a jolly appearence too, good old reliable nine of swords...AKA Nightmare), said that this "battle" was resolavble, but it wasn't really my fight, I just had to support people. I took that to mean I have to be there for my friend when she needs me, and to try my damn hardest to convince the other one to bloody stand up for herself, and if she really loves my friend she'll pick her over her control freak of a father. Even if she does though...The sad thing is I'll still never be able to trust her again.
Asked another question, got the "Orientation" thing, pretty sure it relates back to something that happned years ago that's pretty similar to what's happening to my friend now, so creepishly similar infact that it also involved people dissapearing off to Birmingham...Seriously, what is it with that place? He brought my trust issues up again, and something very odd about religion that didn't really mean much then, infact I kinda brushed it off at the time, but I suppose it's worth remembering, just incase it does make an appearence. Told me not to hide who I am, to stop second guessing people and to tell the people I do trust that I trust them. I took his advice and started telling people...Apparently it was a bit random...Maybe that was just timeing.
Misty got a bit drunk, it was kinda funny, I've never seen her like that before, there's a fab photo of us hugging on the website...I'm not actually ginger by the way, I really don't know why I look ginger in that photo! Maybe I just needed to talk to someone because I felt a billion times better, acctually quite enjoyed the night after all. Won a CD, haven't had a chance to listen to it yet.
Went home with Kev, the bus ride was far more fun that usual! My cousin and the head boy of my brother's school got on the bus.
A bit of background is needed here, my brother is an Athiest (sp?), he goes to a super religious Christian school, the more they try to shove Christ down his throught, the less he believes in the man. I'm actually pretty proud that he stands up for what he believes in, it's made him pretty unpopular with the "elite" IE: Head boy, head girl, prefects and other assorted goody two shoeses. About a year ago my other cousin (litle brother of the one who got on the bus) threw a compas at my brother, and my brother told the teacher. This caused a really stupid feud between bits of my family. My dad's sister (my aunt and their mother), rang my dad and accused my brother of being a liar (so the blatent compass entry point just magically appeared huh?), and their side of the family hasn't spoken to any of us since.
So imagine my suprise when I look up post bus kiss to find my cousin and some nerdy looking kid glareing back at me! Well my first reaction was to laugh hysterically, but I decided not to. It actually got far more ammusing because Kev started talking loudly about his opinions on Cocaine, which I suppose are a bit contraversial, but it wasn't like he was saying he was a druggie or anything, 'twas mostly stuff about how it's not the drug that kills you, it's what it's cut with...Nevertheless apparently I'm not welcome at school events anymore...METAL!
I laughed when she got off the bus and half explained the situation.
When we got back to his, we ordered pizza, mine had Olives on it...Mmmmm I adore black Olives, so damn good. Jeepers I'm such a foodie...Slimming advertisers should run scared...Especially if they're made of tofu! I'll eat them mwahahahaha!
Stayed in bed until midday, I'm so lazy at times, but bed was comfortable and warm and I was in good company, what more could I want? Spent most of the day lazing around in his living room using his internet and listening to radio Dunkle Welle (which is available on itunes, plug plug a plug), had our usual bunch of really random conversations, it was nice...I like random, make me happy :)
He made me dinner, propper sunday dinner (well as close as you can get for a Vegan anyways), I mashed the potatos, it was lovely, and such a nice thought. Told my mam when I got home, her response was "I thought it was ment to be the way to a MAN'S heart is through HIS stomache?"
It was a pretty simple day I guess, but lovely all the same. Simple is good sometimes, everything has it's place really :)
When did I become this optimistic??
Crazy eh? Doom and gloom to eerily happy in less than 48 hours?
